1 00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:04,395 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,856 RADAR: "Dear Ma, this is your boy here again. 3 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,989 "Still fine with the U.S. Army, in South Korea, 4 00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:19,209 "and hoping you are the same. 5 00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:21,298 "As usual, I am writing real slow, 6 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,083 "'cause I know you can't read fast. 7 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:27,696 "Your package and letter arrived this morning. 8 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,828 "The cake and cookies and the underwear 9 00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:32,309 "were all delicious. 10 00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,616 "I was sorry to hear Uncle Ed went off the wagon 11 00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,444 "on his hunting trip. 12 00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:38,533 "I sure hope he'll be able to play the pump organ 13 00:01:38,576 --> 00:01:41,275 "without those toes. 14 00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:44,147 "I apologize for not answering sooner before, ma. 15 00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:48,847 "It's just I do a heck of a lot of writing in my job here. 16 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:52,286 "I got about the smallest pencil in the camp. 17 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,852 "Take, like, last week. 18 00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:55,202 "Top of all my other duties, 19 00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,160 "which I got too many already, 20 00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:59,423 "I had to help Captain Pierce give everybody 21 00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,295 a monthly foot inspection." 22 00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:03,035 HAWKEYE: Terrific-looking toes, Colonel. 23 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:04,254 Thank you, Pierce. 24 00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:05,516 Have you ever thought of studying piano? 25 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,909 [laughing] 26 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,954 N-not there, Pierce! 27 00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:10,521 Should I write down "ticklish", Captain? 28 00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,915 No, no, merely indicates the patient is highly oversexed. 29 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:13,959 Right, Colonel? 30 00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,526 [laughing] 31 00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,226 How do they look, Pierce? 32 00:02:19,269 --> 00:02:21,532 Colonel, you have the feet of a teenager. 33 00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:24,100 Now we know why Mrs. Potter's smiling in her picture. 34 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,799 Learned about foot care in World War I. 35 00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,671 From Captain Harry S. Truman, no less. 36 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,455 He had a great pair of feet. 37 00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:34,284 Imprints of which may be seen on General MacArthur's backside. 38 00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,722 Colonel gets 100 percent, Radar. 39 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,071 Oh, good. That's very good, sir. 40 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,812 100 percent. 41 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,727 Well, good feet run in my family, 42 00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,120 except for my Uncle Ben. 43 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,774 He had two extra toes. 44 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:48,168 Used to have to make little leather sidecars for his shoes. 45 00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,912 Thank you, Colonel. Come along, Robin. 46 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,914 RADAR: "Colonel Potter, who I was really worried would I like, 47 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:57,742 "I really do. 48 00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,397 "He's okay and a good egg. 49 00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,094 "I think he's how Pop would've been, 50 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,836 "if he hadn't died when I was little. 51 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,664 "I never told you, but it used to make me mad 52 00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,536 "that Pop died. 53 00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:12,322 "Until I finally realized dying wasn't his idea. 54 00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:14,324 "Another one of my jobs is helping patients 55 00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,761 "go to other hospitals or back to their units, 56 00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:20,243 "after we finish with their surgery and stuff. 57 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,593 "Corporal Klinger was helping evac the other night. 58 00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:24,421 "You'd like Klinger, Ma. 59 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:27,163 He looks a little bit like Aunt Jean before electrolysis." 60 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,253 Asher, Harold. Private. 61 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,298 Asher, Private. Right. 62 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:32,821 Have a good ride. 63 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,431 We don't wanna see you back here again. 64 00:03:34,475 --> 00:03:35,780 So keep down low. 65 00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,434 How goes the psycho business, Klinger? 66 00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,783 I wrote General Ridgeway, I love him, 67 00:03:38,827 --> 00:03:39,828 and asked him to be my husband. 68 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:40,872 [chuckling] You mad thing. 69 00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,265 His aide wrote back, 70 00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:43,788 "The general's happily married." 71 00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,050 -Maybe they'll have a fight. -Yeah. 72 00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:46,356 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. 73 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,402 Attention, post-op personnel. 74 00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:50,926 The evac bus is loading and ready to go. 75 00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:53,058 All aboard, whoever's leaving. 76 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:55,496 Hey, Doc. Sergeant Callan. 77 00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:58,063 You know, you took the shrapnel out of my chest. 78 00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,369 Ah, I've got it pressed in my memory book. 79 00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:00,588 You got a second, Doc? 80 00:04:00,631 --> 00:04:01,806 You feel all right? 81 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:03,982 I feel fine. 82 00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:05,854 It's the wife, Doc. 83 00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,159 She's not so hot. 84 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,944 She's gotta have an operation. 85 00:04:08,987 --> 00:04:10,206 You know, woman stuff. 86 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,295 I studied woman stuff, one and two. 87 00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,384 My problem is loot. 88 00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:15,603 I don't have enough for the operation, 89 00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:17,039 and she's gotta have it right away. 90 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,389 -Uh-huh. -I wonder if you could help me, Doc. 91 00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,825 I'll be glad to operate on her free, 92 00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:21,957 if they'll let me fly home. 93 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,915 If I could just get her some cash. 94 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,309 I never lend my patients money. 95 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,006 Reduced life spans. 96 00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:32,272 This watch cost me $150 at the Tokyo P.X. 97 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:33,664 Give me what you want for it. 98 00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,275 I got a watch. 99 00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:37,233 -Thirty dollars, and it's yours. -[door closing] 100 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,017 RADAR: All full up! Ready to roll! 101 00:04:39,061 --> 00:04:41,672 -Look, Sergeant. -Self-winding, tells you the date. 102 00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:43,065 -Twenty dollars. -S-Sergeant-- 103 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,241 -It's a $150 watch. -Look-- 104 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,549 Look, I wouldn't do this if it weren't for my wife's plumbing. 105 00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:50,115 Take it. Fifteen. 106 00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:51,813 Take it. 107 00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:53,945 Here, is, uh, 20 bucks. All I got. 108 00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:56,644 God bless, you, sir. God bless you. 109 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:57,645 You're welcome, Sergeant. 110 00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:01,605 Good evening, sir. 111 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:02,998 I'm with the Department of Water and Power. 112 00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,217 -I'm here to read your feet. -Uh-huh. 113 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,263 If you'll just, uh, step into my, uh, crate. 114 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:10,658 What's that, a new watch? 115 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,703 Yeah, got it off a patient. Twenty bucks. 116 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,618 Goes for 150. 117 00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,359 The patient had to send the money home, right? 118 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,361 How'd you know? 119 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,625 His kid outgrew his tonsils and needs a set of new ones? 120 00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:23,279 The cat needs a "whiskerectomy?" 121 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,715 I got taken? 122 00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:26,413 We gotta do something about that 123 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,197 apple pie and hot dog face. 124 00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:32,419 No works. It's empty! 125 00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:34,508 See, what you got there is either a pill box with hands, 126 00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,771 or a lunch pail for munchkins. 127 00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:38,773 -I feel like an idiot. -Go with the feeling. 128 00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:40,949 And I operated on that guy's chest! 129 00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,864 [laughing] See, what we'll do, 130 00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:45,606 is we'll get the guy and we'll put the shrapnel back in. 131 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,259 You're a lot of help. 132 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:48,478 You ready, sir? 133 00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:50,262 That's a loaded question, Radar. 134 00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,482 Uh, it's past time to go check Major Houlihan's feet. 135 00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:55,790 Ah, yes, the major's clustered tootsies. 136 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,400 You think she'll believe it that a kiss on the instep 137 00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,619 improves circulation? 138 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,055 I believed this was a watch. 139 00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:02,318 -I'll do you at 9:00. -How will I know? 140 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,233 -Lead on, MacDuff. -Who? 141 00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,716 You better be prepared to explain that. 142 00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:17,333 Wanna buy a watch? 143 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,987 Major Houlihan's tent. 144 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,684 Ah, if this canvas could only talk. 145 00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,469 [knocking] 146 00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:23,948 -Major. -MARGARET: Who is it? 147 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:26,864 Time to have your feet Pierced. 148 00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:28,039 MARGARET: Later. 149 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,563 Sorry, Major, there's no later. 150 00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,869 The future's been cancelled by the war department. 151 00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,437 They're just gonna replay the past. 152 00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,396 [shuffling noises] 153 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,618 [footsteps] 154 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,627 She's not alone. 155 00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:53,195 Give me two guesses. 156 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:55,719 Senator McCarthy? Martin Bormann? 157 00:06:55,763 --> 00:07:01,682 -Major Burns. -I was right. 158 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:04,032 Come in. 159 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,860 -Hello, Frank. -I was just leaving! 160 00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,514 -That's gonna be difficult, isn't it? -Huh? 161 00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,299 -You tied your boot to the table. -Oh, sure. 162 00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,998 [laughing] 163 00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:16,697 You were supposed to inspect my feet this morning! 164 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,655 Sorry, there was a parade on 5th Avenue. 165 00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,570 The Sons and Daughters of Mickey Rooney. 166 00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:22,354 Stick around, Frank. I'll do you after Margaret. 167 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,661 I wouldn't let you touch my feet with a ten-foot pole! 168 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,576 Radar, cancel the ten-foot pole. 169 00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,752 "Stretch" Pulaski, tallest Pole you ever saw. 170 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,014 Thanks for letting me come by 171 00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,755 only to pick up the manual, Major. 172 00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,888 The manual. 173 00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,759 You kids still using the manual? 174 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,457 I would think you could throw away the book by now. 175 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,415 Oh, watch your mouth in front of the help. 176 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,810 Can we get on with it? 177 00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,551 Take it easy, Major. 178 00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:47,162 Your feet aren't going anywhere without you. 179 00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:48,772 Ready, Radar? 180 00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:50,252 Uh, ready, sir. 181 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,775 Now, then, madame, what did you have in mind? 182 00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:53,647 A pump, a sandal, a back-to-school shoe? 183 00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,605 Doctor, I have a dozen specimens 184 00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,215 waiting for me in the lab. 185 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,740 You were smart to call ahead. 186 00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,611 Report on Houlihan, Margaret, Major. 187 00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:03,831 By Pierce, B.F., Captain. 188 00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:05,789 I'm getting a little crazy, backwards, talking. 189 00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:14,363 Isn't that a pretty foot, Corporal? 190 00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:17,497 I wouldn't know, sir. I'm not a doctor. 191 00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:19,977 However, a wee bit of fungus, 192 00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,675 two bunions, one corn, 193 00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:23,633 light on the mayo, hold the chili and onions. 194 00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:28,812 Ankle's a bit swollen. You retaining water? 195 00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:31,162 My water is none of your affair. 196 00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,729 Radar, get me some potassium permanganate 197 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,949 for the major's feet. 198 00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,168 I'll spread it on for you. It's more fungus that way. 199 00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,735 -Don't you wish. -Mm-hmm. 200 00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,781 Uh, well, sir, I'll meet you at the next feet. 201 00:08:40,824 --> 00:08:42,391 No, no, Radar, stay. 202 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,958 The law requires that a third person be present 203 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,917 when I'm examining feet of the female sex. 204 00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:49,354 Violation could result in my death by hangnail. 205 00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,140 Oh, take your pan and get out! 206 00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,358 Bossy boots. 207 00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,937 RADAR: "It's later now than it was before, Ma, 208 00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:09,723 "and I'm having a cup of coffee in the mess tent. 209 00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,640 "Colonel Potter has them make it real strong. 210 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:21,343 "He says it grows hair on your saddle horn. 211 00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,171 "Speaking of where I am, 212 00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:26,696 a really weird thing happened in here the other day." 213 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,612 KLINGER: Grits. Peas. 214 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:33,137 Corn. Potatoes. 215 00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:34,312 Ham. 216 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,444 Boy, you think of everything. 217 00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:37,185 That's why I get the big money. 218 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,578 Next! 219 00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:41,711 [jets roaring overhead] 220 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,888 Anyone sitting here? 221 00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,847 No. No one. 222 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,766 [laughs] I forgot to put coffee in my cup. 223 00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,724 [indistinct mumbling] 224 00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:04,081 Boy, you must be starved, guy. 225 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,780 [speaking Korean] 226 00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,914 Hey, what funny printing on there. 227 00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:14,222 All the R's and the P's are backwards. 228 00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,746 Wow! That's a Russian gun. 229 00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,400 -You lucky pup! -[speaking Korean] 230 00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:20,097 That's a great souvenir. 231 00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:21,925 All I got so far is a small ivory Jesus 232 00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,971 for my mama's car. 233 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:26,800 Yeah, he's tops in our religion, you know. 234 00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:29,411 Boy, I'd give anything for one of these Russian babies. 235 00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:31,456 [shouting In Korean] 236 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,545 RADAR: I didn't mean anything. Hey! 237 00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,902 Hey! Wait a minute! 238 00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:43,686 [grunting] 239 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,166 You ignatz! 240 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,820 Sir, there was just a Korean in here. 241 00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,735 This country is crawling with Koreans. 242 00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:51,302 You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean! 243 00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,653 You're going on report for this, you little puke! 244 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,784 Can I help, sir? 245 00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:57,787 You keep out of this, bugle beak! 246 00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:00,485 I spent an hour going over this shirt with a hot rock! 247 00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,357 Sir, it was a North Korean. 248 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,967 I didn't realize 'til after he left! 249 00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:06,709 He had a Russian gun and everything. 250 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,929 A commie? In here? 251 00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:11,018 Sometimes, they do that. Their snipers get hungry. 252 00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,672 After shooting at our guys, 253 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:14,804 they got the guts to eat our grits? 254 00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:17,024 And you let him get away, you little pantywaist! 255 00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,460 If I'd have been here, 256 00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:20,157 I'd have given him a good thrashing. 257 00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:21,593 Sir, they know judo. 258 00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:23,770 Religion has nothing to do with it. 259 00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:26,207 Better not try it again. 260 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,687 He'll probably keep the tray, too. 261 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:33,301 RADAR: "Monday night, Colonel Potter and Major Houlihan 262 00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:36,783 "went into Kai Dok, which is a native village. 263 00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,177 "We go once a month to treat the sick, old and ill. 264 00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:42,353 "I could have gone, but last time I went 265 00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:44,965 "they served grasshoppers and rice. 266 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:48,708 "I don't mind that, but the sauce made me sick. 267 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,013 I think it's Mexican." 268 00:11:50,057 --> 00:11:51,928 Well, I guess that's about it. 269 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:54,452 -Radar. -Yes, sir. Don't worry about a thing, sir. 270 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:55,758 -Just make sure everything runs smooth until I get back. -Everything's gonna run 271 00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:57,281 smooth as glass. 272 00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,456 You got everything, sir? 273 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,676 Blankets, medical supplies, 274 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,592 -ketchup for the grasshoppers. -[laughs] 275 00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:06,073 Keep the whitewash away from Major Burns. 276 00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:09,859 I don't want to see one painted rock when I come back. 277 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,514 And make sure no one goes into my tent. 278 00:12:12,557 --> 00:12:13,907 I wouldn't do that, ma'am. 279 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,560 Somebody does. 280 00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,824 Maybe it's rats. 281 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,478 You think rats have been trying on my undies? 282 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,265 Some of them rats are weird. 283 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:26,354 [clears throat] You be careful on the road now, sir, 284 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,269 uh, we've got some reports of snipers. 285 00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,184 Can't kill a regular army man. 286 00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,926 Head's too thick. Yo-ho! 287 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:35,363 MAN [on PA]: Corporal O'Reilly, please answer your phone. 288 00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,626 Corporal O'Reilly, your phone's running over. 289 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:38,758 I'll take the whitewash, sir. 290 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,237 -He said no. -He said no. 291 00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:45,025 Ah, Frank, just in time for your foot inspection. 292 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,678 I'm short ten toes and their yours. 293 00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:48,855 Forget it, twerp. 294 00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,552 Watch it, Frank, I read lips. 295 00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:54,382 Gee, Mrs. Potter, You just missed him. 296 00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,079 Uh, yes, ma'am. 297 00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,429 He just drove off with a nurse to a village near here. 298 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,303 Oh, no, he's okay. 299 00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,261 No, honest! 300 00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:07,438 Yes, ma'am, you could call him tomorrow and ask him yourself. 301 00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:09,440 Hey, uh, how's things in Missouri? 302 00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:12,835 What? 303 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,228 I-I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't hear you. 304 00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,621 There's too much static on the-- 305 00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,275 Oh, it's okay. 306 00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,147 No, even static from home sounds good. 307 00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:23,759 All right, I'll talk to you then. 308 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,543 Bye. 309 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:26,675 What's cookin'? 310 00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,024 Mrs. Potter. 311 00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,852 She called all the way from stateside. 312 00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:31,506 You know, she had a premonition that, uh, 313 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:32,812 something was happening to the colonel. 314 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,378 My mother gets those. 315 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:37,120 She had a premonition about the bombing of Pearl Harbor. 316 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,643 -She tell anybody? -Nah. 317 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,080 She didn't get it till December 9th. 318 00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:46,086 And this, of course, is our mess tent. 319 00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,435 [translating in Korean] 320 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,176 Tell the general, I'd offer him dinner, 321 00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:51,221 but as a doctor, it's not for me to endanger his health. 322 00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,484 [speaking Korean] 323 00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,486 [laughing] 324 00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:02,972 [man speaking Korean] 325 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,756 The general said that, one day, 326 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,237 we should have a war in which only cooks fight one another. 327 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,500 In that way, we could get rid of the common enemy. 328 00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,415 [chuckling] Tell him I agree. 329 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,939 [speaking Korean] 330 00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:15,550 [laughing] 331 00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,769 Right this way, General. 332 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,860 I got ya! 333 00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,384 [yelling] 334 00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,777 I got him! Get the M.P.'s! 335 00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:28,345 Jump that one! They always work in pairs! 336 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:29,564 Frank! Frank, get off. 337 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:30,608 Frank, get off! 338 00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,741 What are you doing? I had him! 339 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:36,832 That's General Park of the Army of the Republic of South Korea. 340 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,355 South Korea? 341 00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:39,966 I think his name translates as Ashley Wilkes. 342 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,968 Is that south enough for you? 343 00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,927 [men speaking Korean] 344 00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,582 Uh, General, uh, I'm, uh, 345 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,759 sorry to have been so rough on you, sir, and-- 346 00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:57,113 Very good. Very good. 347 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:05,774 RADAR: "Foot inspection feels like it goes on forever, Ma. 348 00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,819 "That's 'cause there's about 200 people in this unit, 349 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:09,430 "and with each one having 10 toes, 350 00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:12,476 "that's 20,000 toes to check." 351 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,392 -[knocking] -It's open. 352 00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:20,049 -Good morning, Klinger. -Hi. 353 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,703 How does this sound? 354 00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:22,878 "Dear President Eisenhower-- 355 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,445 Sending away for seeds? 356 00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:27,100 "Congratulations not only on becoming president, 357 00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,363 "but getting out of the Army at the same time. 358 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,191 "If I thought it'd work for me, 359 00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:33,062 I'd run for the office in a second." 360 00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:34,585 Off with the shoes. 361 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,718 "When you go through President Truman's mail, 362 00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:38,633 "you will no doubt find some letters I wrote 363 00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:41,157 "describing the mental condition of my mind. 364 00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:43,246 "I have deteriorated even more down hill 365 00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,987 "since I sent him the picture of me 366 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,685 dressed only in combat boots and a black garter belt." 367 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,950 -Right foot's fine. -Check. 368 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,256 "As a former big time officer, 369 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,737 "you will understand how undesirable it is 370 00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,348 "to have a weirdo like me in the service." 371 00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,437 Why is your little toenail missing? 372 00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:03,223 I put my pinky in the pencil sharpener at the draft board. 373 00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:05,703 You did not! 374 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,967 When I lowered my pants, there was a rose in my shorts. 375 00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:12,014 "Return me to my loved ones, sir, 376 00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:15,191 "and my uncle, who is very big in certain circles, 377 00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:18,586 will rub out anyone you want at a discount." 378 00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:21,458 Toes fine. One nail missing and one screw loose. 379 00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:32,513 Frank, when am I gonna inspect you? 380 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,341 Just keep your nose out of my feet. 381 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:35,342 Well put. 382 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,736 Hey, guys! Chuck me one! 383 00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,347 Toss it here! 384 00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,218 Well, give me a little warning, will ya? 385 00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:45,700 I'm ready. 386 00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:48,137 Thank you, Father. 387 00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:49,704 You have a lovely touch. 388 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,401 Never took a lesson. 389 00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,882 I've often thought, with your gentleness, 390 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,884 your compassion... 391 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,973 I believe you'd have made a good priest. 392 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,671 I'm too crazy about neckties. 393 00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:02,369 How long have you had these feet, Father? 394 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,327 Well, they were original equipment. 395 00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:06,721 Make a note of that. Feet have only had one owner. 396 00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:10,029 They're holding up very well. 397 00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,030 Must be all the kneeling. 398 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,770 No doubt. 399 00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,294 Where'd you get this scar, Father? 400 00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:18,602 Oh, that. My sister bit my toe. 401 00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:20,387 Your sister the nun? 402 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:23,390 Now, nun. Then, angry child. 403 00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:25,870 She has quite an overbite. 404 00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,395 Don't spread this around. 405 00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:31,485 The other children called her "Beaver." 406 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:33,095 That's mean. 407 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,793 We told her it was 'cause she was such a good swimmer. 408 00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:38,361 Well, no corns, no fungus, no bunions. 409 00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:40,059 Just a nun bite. 410 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,234 One nun bite. 411 00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:42,626 Father. 412 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,977 Colonel Potter got a hundred percent. 413 00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,588 Wow! 414 00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:49,590 RADAR: "You'd like Captain Pierce, Ma. 415 00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,287 "Least I think you would. 416 00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:54,029 "He's real smart, but kind of crazy. 417 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,727 "I've seen him amputate people's legs one minute, 418 00:17:56,771 --> 00:18:01,428 "and then glue Major Burns's boots to two bedpans the next. 419 00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:04,083 "Maybe things like that got something to do with each other. 420 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,823 "I don't know." 421 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,612 "To continue on further, Ma, 422 00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,266 "I'm really happy about my pet, 423 00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,355 "which I finally got one. 424 00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:17,574 "I sent away to a mail order house for a guinea pig, 425 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,359 "and he's doin' terrific. 426 00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:23,450 "I named him Dopey, after the Seven Dwarfs. 427 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,408 "Getting back to Colonel Potter. 428 00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:27,976 "Boy, talk about your premonitions. 429 00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:30,021 "Remember how old Aunt Dorothy always knew 430 00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,371 "something was gonna happen 431 00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:33,460 "whenever her truss got warm? 432 00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:36,115 "Well, Aunt Dorothy had nothin' on Mrs. Colonel Potter." 433 00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:40,423 Halt! Friend or foe? 434 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,382 Out of my way! I'll run you down! 435 00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:45,385 Pass, friend. 436 00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,996 Klinger, on the double! The colonel's been shot! 437 00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:49,345 Sir, what happened? 438 00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:50,825 A sniper got him on the road. 439 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,609 Oh... Please don't die, sir. 440 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,481 Buffalo chips. 441 00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:57,614 There's other men got hit worse that'll be in here soon. 442 00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,747 I just bought one in the old bucket, that's all. 443 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,966 -Let's get some help. -Yes, ma'am. 444 00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,490 -Major? -Shouldn't be a minute, sir. 445 00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:05,405 You were very brave back there. 446 00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,320 -Very level-headed. -Thank you, sir. 447 00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,496 Mrs. Potter has those qualities. 448 00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:10,888 You couldn't ruffle her feathers 449 00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,413 if you hit her with a brick. 450 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,675 What's all the hoo-ha, Major? 451 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,155 Colonel Potter caught some sniper fire. 452 00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,199 Colonel, are you all right? 453 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,548 No, I am not all right. 454 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,594 This sauce I'm sitting in is my own blood, 455 00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:21,682 and I'm so full of lead, 456 00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:22,813 you could use me for a doorstop! 457 00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:24,467 Much pain? 458 00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,208 My can's throbbin' two beats faster than my heart. 459 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,253 KLINGER: Here we go! 460 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:28,341 I'll get things started. 461 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:29,690 -All right. -Good girl. 462 00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,822 In the clinches, which isn't a bad idea. 463 00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:36,914 Colonel! 464 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,699 Colonel Potter, are you all right? 465 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,875 -I'm all right, Radar. -Somebody said you were dead! 466 00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:42,224 Well, it wasn't me. 467 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,095 All I got was a night deposit in my derriere. 468 00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:46,054 We'll have you under in a minute, Colonel. 469 00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:47,795 Pig feathers! You don't have to knock me out. 470 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:48,970 Just shoot a local in there. 471 00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:50,363 I wanna watch you characters work. 472 00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,581 We'll give you a rearview mirror. 473 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,063 A little higher, Radar. 474 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,717 -Yes, sir. -Yeah, that's fine. 475 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,806 -HAWKEYE: Swab that, please. -MARGARET: Yes, Doctor. 476 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,895 B.J.: Stuff's in pretty deep. It's gonna take awhile. 477 00:20:00,938 --> 00:20:02,766 I got no place to go. 478 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,986 HAWKEYE: What a unique device, the human tush. 479 00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,988 An architectural marvel. 480 00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:08,772 One of a kind. 481 00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:11,210 Actually, two of a kind. 482 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,950 Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting. 483 00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:15,388 It also has the subtlety to do the Samba. 484 00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:16,737 And when attached to certain members 485 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,086 of the female species, 486 00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:19,827 at a time when light summer dresses are worn, 487 00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:21,263 can cause some of us to drive our cars 488 00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,830 straight up a lamppost. 489 00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:24,919 Stop dawdling. 490 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,964 Dawdling? I wax poetic, sir. 491 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,357 You're in luck. 492 00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,619 There's a man from Hallmark in the first row. 493 00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:32,187 Colonel, I just heard! 494 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,145 I'm all right, Father. 495 00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,235 -[bullet clinking] -RADAR: He got shot in the "derriere-y." 496 00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,280 A little to the right there, Hunnicutt. 497 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,716 I got it, Colonel. 498 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,892 KLINGER: Colonel! It's your missus. 499 00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,329 She's on the phone. 500 00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:45,026 Oh, yeah. She called before, sir. 501 00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:46,506 She had a feeling something happened to you. 502 00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:48,334 She's always having premonitions. 503 00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:51,554 She listens to that crazy gypsy who runs the fruit stand. 504 00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,469 What should I tell her? That you've been shot? 505 00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:55,079 Don't say that! 506 00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,777 The woman's got enough trouble. 507 00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:59,649 Having root canal, no vertical hold on the TV, 508 00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:02,086 and the scales fell off her guppy. 509 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,305 What shall I tell her? 510 00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,437 B.J.: Colonel, if you're up to it, 511 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,655 we could string a line in here. 512 00:21:05,699 --> 00:21:07,004 The phone won't be sterile. 513 00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:08,310 HAWKEYE: Klinger, boil that phone. 514 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,572 B.J.: I like mine four and a half minutes. 515 00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:13,315 Let's go. 516 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,100 RADAR: It'll be just a minute, ma'am. 517 00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:17,885 Uh, yeah, he's, um... 518 00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:19,321 he's over at the Officer's Club, 519 00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:21,497 and someone's using the line. 520 00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:22,977 Right. 521 00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:25,675 Oh, no, no. He's okay, honest. 522 00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,852 Um, I was sorry to hear about your guppy. 523 00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:31,202 Right. We had a parakeet that ran away from home. 524 00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:32,552 I don't know why. 525 00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,031 Just took some seed and his best bell 526 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,381 and we never saw him again. 527 00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:36,904 Oh, boy. Okay. 528 00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:39,515 Hold on for, uh, Colonel Potter, ma'am. 529 00:21:39,559 --> 00:21:42,170 I'm perfectly fine, Mother. 530 00:21:42,213 --> 00:21:45,869 Yes, just as Radar said, I'm at the Officer's Club. 531 00:21:45,913 --> 00:21:47,915 I'll have another beer. 532 00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,830 May I have the next tango, Major? 533 00:21:49,873 --> 00:21:51,919 Take it easy. The woman's not a nitwit! 534 00:21:53,355 --> 00:21:54,878 What's that, Mother? 535 00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:58,055 Oh, I do respect your premonitions. 536 00:21:58,099 --> 00:22:01,363 Yes, it was you who said my sister'd go bald. 537 00:22:01,407 --> 00:22:03,757 Happily, you're wrong this time, is all. 538 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,628 -[bullet clinks] -That? 539 00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:08,370 That was an olive pit. Yes, dear. 540 00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:10,372 -MULCAHY: My goodness. More wounded! -HAWKEYE: I'll finish up here. 541 00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:11,895 -You take care of the new people. -B.J.: Right. 542 00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:12,896 -HAWKEYE: Let's get Frank. -B.J.: Right. 543 00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:14,071 -Klinger. -Sir! 544 00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:15,725 -Get Major Burns. -Yes, sir. 545 00:22:17,597 --> 00:22:19,729 Now look, sugar, we're gonna have to get off the phone, 546 00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,036 in case the war gets going again. 547 00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,560 Take some aspirin, get your vertical hold fixed, 548 00:22:24,604 --> 00:22:26,780 and buy yourself a new fish. 549 00:22:26,823 --> 00:22:28,738 -B.J.:I wanna see the X rays. -NURSE: Right away, Doctor. 550 00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,784 -B.J.: Where's my gas passer? -NURSE: I'll get him. 551 00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:32,612 Affirmative, sweetheart. 552 00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:34,962 Yes, I love you, too. 553 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:37,094 Goodbye, Mother. 554 00:22:37,138 --> 00:22:40,141 Not a bad performance, if I do say. 555 00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:42,099 Especially when the star has a slug in his butt. 556 00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,580 [chuckles] 557 00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:47,453 [indistinct chatter] 558 00:22:47,496 --> 00:22:50,194 B.J.: Well, well, well, Sergeant Callan. 559 00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:52,196 Small war, isn't it? 560 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,415 They got me again, Doc. 561 00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,461 Uh-huh. 562 00:22:55,504 --> 00:22:57,114 No sweat. 563 00:22:57,158 --> 00:23:00,074 Can't get 'em to stop shootin' at me. 564 00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:01,423 How's the wife? 565 00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:03,251 Oh, she's gonna have her operation next week. 566 00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:04,774 Thanks to you. 567 00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:07,298 You're getting one right now, thanks to me. 568 00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:09,083 Hawk? 569 00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:10,301 My watch salesman's back. 570 00:23:10,345 --> 00:23:13,348 Uh-huh. 571 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,089 Am I really gonna be all right, Doc? 572 00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:18,614 I'll have you running as well as that watch in no time. 573 00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:20,964 [nervous chuckle] 574 00:23:21,008 --> 00:23:23,140 Pass me the rusty saw, please. 575 00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:25,055 HAWKEYE: One rusty saw, coming up. 576 00:23:29,016 --> 00:23:30,583 RADAR: "They were only kiddin', Ma. 577 00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,411 "Our doctors are really teriff. 578 00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,021 "Except for Major Burns, of course. 579 00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:36,240 "Speaking of which, 580 00:23:36,284 --> 00:23:38,417 "Captain Pierce finally got to finish his foot inspection 581 00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,331 last night." 582 00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,334 [footsteps approaching] 583 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:48,078 [screaming] 584 00:23:48,122 --> 00:23:49,645 FRANK: Are you people crazy?! 585 00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:51,212 Foot inspection, Frank. This is it. 586 00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:52,561 Hold still. 587 00:23:52,605 --> 00:23:54,171 Unclench your foot, Frank. 588 00:23:54,215 --> 00:23:56,043 Touch my toes and I'll have you killed, 589 00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,872 then court-martialed! 590 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,615 [laughing] Nail polish? 591 00:24:02,658 --> 00:24:04,007 Frank! 592 00:24:04,051 --> 00:24:05,879 Isn't that Major Houlihan's color? 593 00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:07,489 It was all in fun. 594 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,709 We were, uh, discussing trench foot, 595 00:24:09,752 --> 00:24:12,668 and-and then we got a little silly. 596 00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,105 You're not gonna put this on my report, are you, Pierce? 597 00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:17,412 I think you'll find I'm pretty much all business, Frank. 598 00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:23,679 "Burns, Frank, Major. 599 00:24:23,723 --> 00:24:25,507 "Strange coloration of all toenails, 600 00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:28,118 "possibly due to combat action with a hostile manicurist." 601 00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:32,253 [laughing] 602 00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:43,656 RADAR: "Well, Ma, I guess it's about time to sign off now. 603 00:24:43,699 --> 00:24:46,833 "I'd better mail this letter before Dopey eats it. 604 00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,226 "If they gave me a penny every time I thought about you, 605 00:24:49,270 --> 00:24:53,230 "I guess I'd be makin' about 100 bucks a week. 606 00:24:53,274 --> 00:24:55,755 "Don't worry if the war news is bad. 607 00:24:55,798 --> 00:24:57,757 "I'm okay. 608 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,847 Love, Walter." 609 00:25:05,678 --> 00:25:08,594 ♪♪ [theme]